daines'n around

The semester is coming to an end, and the responsibilities are peeling off like barbed layers of an onion. They take some of my flesh with them as they're removed... but I know they will not be coming back in the same form again.

This next 3 weeks I'm going to have to make a pretty big decision regarding employment. It isn't an easy decision. I know what I want, but unsure about the risk value. Most people encourage me to do what I want, and not worry. But some inner-most part of me refuses to take chances too big without others whole heartedly supporting me.

My current employment pays well; I've been there for three years. I'm comfortable there, and they work around a school schedule, as long as I work three whole days a week there. As a senior this year, my classes are impossible to plan in such a manner where I'll have three full days to work somewhere 9-6pm. So begins a dilemma.

I've been offered a experience-gaining position at school. I call it experience-gaining be cause even though it does pay, the pay is minimal and will be taking about a 60 percent pay cut from my current wages at the job unrelated to my field of study. Don't jump to a conclusion that I'm afraid to give up money, because I don't really care about money. What I do care about is finishing school.

My father has been unemployed for what is now approaching three years. His savings decrease monthly, and without a foreseeable income, or efforts on his part to find a job; he seems fearful that he may not have the money to stay where we live now until May. May, of course, being the approximate time of my graduation.

I've worked two jobs for the past two years, and worked throughout my entire undergraduate education thus far because I don't want to owe anyone. I didn't want loans; I wanted to be able to do it myself. I've done average, pulling off a cumulative 3.3 grade point average thus far; that is about a B average.

If i take the position at school being offered to me, I would have to take out a loan to prevent me from going insane with fear that my dad could move any minute and my rent would double. I have a financially subsidize Stafford loan available to me, should I choose to go into debt.

I want to make this decision. I want to stop working just to make money. I just have to find out if the chance is worth taking. Next year’s tentative schedule:

Stability results were high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic..

Orderliness results were

The semester is almost all over; 3 of 6 finals are complete, and the holiday awaits me. This photo was published on top of the center cection of the paper, along with the other staff photographers as part of the 'best of fall 2005' feature. I need to get the real copy of the photo, because it's great. I love it anyway.

The conversation seemed to oscillate, just like they did over the phone, the other night. My patience stretched thin, and my exhaustion only overpowered by a simple desire of presence and closeness. She blurts out,

"I saw a shooting star last night"

"Great, did you make a wish?" I struggled for anything original in response to the statement. I don't see many stars. My yes-no conversation ending question became the point of controversy.

"No. I don't believe in wishing."

"You don't believe in wishing? How can you not believe in wishing?"

"I think it is ridiculous to imagine that by hoping something happens when a star streaks through the sky that it will actually happen."

My eyebrows furrowed. I wanted to claim the ability to be irrational and be able to wish, knowing fully well that neither the star, nor your thoughts would make a difference. But can't we have ideals? Can't we have moments of strong desire that would allow us to hope for a different world or a different day?

I was defeated. I couldn't muscle a contradiction worth fighting about.

"How sad you don't wish for anything."

And that was the beginning of the end that evening.

My finals are done, but I haven't been able to breathe a fully-pleased sigh of relief yet. There's still so much to do before the end of the year, and in preparation for the next semester. It's almost as though I won't let myself calm down...

Headaches are beginning to become a momentary thing almost every day now. I think the consecutive 6 months of about four and a half hours of sleep a night have aged me prematurely. If only the wisdom matched the feeling.

I need to make up a list of goals for 2006, and revisit my goals for last year.

Someone dropped off a tree on my porch a day or two ago. Along with a card explaining it was the 12 days of Christmas cheer. I've told a few people that I didn't really care about Christmas. Well, that isn't correct. I do care about Christmas. I love caring for other people and giving them thoughtful, needed gifts. But the whole celebration, the memories of families and what not are a little sore still. I'm envious of those who have 'Christmas cheer' or family traditions.

I haven't had a Christmas tree is about 6 years, and I haven't really cared. Most people look at me shocked when I say that. 'But you HAVE to have a Christmas tree!' they exclaim.

When I ask them why, the most common response is 'because it is Christmas'. Nothing about Christmas says I have to have a tree. Not that I’m against trees. I just have no need for them. They have no meaning to me other than another gaudy edifice that takes up space and makes people spend money.

But my sister was happy to find the Christmas tree. She woke me up at 2am to announce what she found and ask who would have given it to me. I've a clue, but not for sure. I've broken the 'years without a Christmas tree' this year. Not by choice, but by those kind Christmas-spirited people.

I always get sleepy at my mother's home in San Francisco. It must be because my mom doesn't leave her house, or because I'm recovering from only getting 4 hours of sleep every night for the past four months.

It also must be the cigarettes. The cars, the house, their clothes all reak of tar and nicotene. She was perched on the couch with an arm outside the window. I asked,

"Too cold to smoke on the balcony?"

Laughing, she chortled out a yes and slid the window open. She brought the Parliment in from outside, slid it into her mouth, and the wind brought in the foul odor in followed by a chilled gust of air.

Life changes every few months, and it can change in an instant. So happens with the plane that crashes in a lonley mountainside, and so happens with the birth of a baby. So happens with the choices we make everyday and the people we interact with. How much have we changed?

The smoke makes we wonder how different I am today than I was five years ago. The holiday season just makes me wonder. Introspection of this nature makes me tired.

i'm going ice skating tomorrow

awkward moments
interrupted by spurts

short-answered questions
full of food

it rains in san francisco
december can be cold

too much sugar

My mother's nativity scene.

I am finally home. It was nice to be fed a lot, lay around a a lot more and place importance on speaking to one another. As limited as communication has become with my mother as of late, I am beginning to understand her more and more. That half makes me scared I am headed towards kooky-land and half makes me wonder if this much love for a parent is possible.

Highlights of the trip included meeting Kelly from Sacramento. We toured around the de Young museum (newly remodeled and opened in October) in golden gate park. We went ice skating at the Moscone Center, and I fell abruptly at the end of the skating session due in part by two reasons. The first reason being that you should never tell anyone that you do not fall, because you will. The second reason is simply that things were going so smooth for me I had to do something to be more awkward. People will never believe my laughs are sincere if I do not manage to make a fool of myself. It may sound like I excuse the fall, but I really just laugh at myself. I fell. Heh.

Kelly and I got along well. I doubt she was serious for more than five minutes of the day, and I think that was only when she asked a little bit about my family. I never seem to hold back on the details when I tell that story and it can be a bit shocking. Her humor is really infectious and I often found myself laughing at her observations and the lame observations I also tried to make. Wandering around the city with her somehow proved to myself that I could very easily live in San Francisco.

Danielle helped me keep most of my sanity in between tense family moments, and her work schedule.

My sister flew up to San Francisco to spend some time with mom the day before I left. It had been at least six months since we both had last seen her, and it seemed something that my sister needed. The two of them have a certain communication that allows them to understand each other’s intentions. I caught my mom treating her like a bit of a child and wondered if that was something that was recurrent throughout our childhoods, or if it is an affect her marriage is having on her interpersonal relationships.

My mother’s husband entered into a new level of paranoia. This time he locked down his computer so that no one could use it while he was away from home at work. After two years of marriage he landed a job as a security guard at a mall in San Francisco. He has his guard card as well as a gun card, so despite the no-handgun law the town has, as a security guard he has one. Not so sure how Hare Krishna followers, who profess to be vegetarians (almost), can have a gun.

Now it is time to work on goals, resolutions, decisions, ideas and motivation for 2006.

25, it's just another day. But I've received a lot of love this holiday season. My birthday is usually included in the holiday season, but I was surprised with a genuine surprise party last night. I would have loved to see my own reaction, because they told me I didn't even really react much at all. All in all, I'm feeling very loved by those around me, sending email messages, leaving comments on on-line communities, sending letters, phone calls, text messages you name it, I've been told happy birthday is many ways this year.

I've got to catch up on a lot, but I'll be out of town until Monday night. Spending New Years Eve in Orange County tonight, and New Year’s Day in Arrowhead tomorrow; hopefully the rain eases up.