daines'n around

There's an interesting hum in my head tonight. It isn't a headache, or a familiar tune. There is no audible hum that pounds at my temples, or even noticeable to those around me. Yet I still manage to fumble my way around other people.

I'm sitting in the warm home in South Pasadena, listening to my beans churn rapidly in the kitchen between songs on the stereo. My mind wanders between thoughts of sleep, beans, and conversations. Hunched over the keyboard, the sentences dribble out of my head and trickle to my fingers gingerly typing, deleting, typing, deleting.

I'd like to say I'm more introspective than usual, but that is not the case. I would love to admit that I do not dwell on simple things as much as before, but that is not true. I wish I could stop observing just long enough to hold on to a moment in person.

I sit here telling myself how I need to live, and feel things. I need to experience life and live it to a degree that makes me happy. The selfish thoughts flow quickly as I plan out my weekend, my month, my year subconsciously.

Music leads me cynically to believe that love is a fairytale. Songs of couples compared to books and bindings, not being able to live without the other, and just-so-circumstances could only exist in poetry.

But I do not feel the same for angry songs of bitterness and disdain. I know those traits in life are real, and lasting.

Then certain things happen, that throw away every foregone conclusion and anti-sentimental thought I have. I thrive off of this. Laughs and smiles, hands and skin, the rhythm of a tongue against teeth and gums, and suddenly a conversation is that much different, to me.

Things could be simpler, but then I think I would have given up a long time ago.